I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
