U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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