i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
