I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
So. Camera broke because I tried to wash it under the sink, kristi had to take me home and I woke up to my computer showing me that I googled how t take more than one shot at a time. I'd say the night was a success.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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