I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
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