dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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