You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Randomize
