Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
