You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
