I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
So gin and wine won't be happening again
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
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