If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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