That's intense
I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
