I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
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