I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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