so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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