I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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