Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
