just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Randomize
