from now on my penis is your penis
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
