I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
