while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
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