Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
