i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
His hands were made for my vagina.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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