I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
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