I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
