I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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