and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Randomize
