Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
grandma shit on top of the toilet
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
