your parents love me but you hate me
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
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