why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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