Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
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