god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
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