I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Randomize
