I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
