I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
