his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
