I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
