guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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