so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
