so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
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