I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Randomize
