Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
so much tequila, so little girl.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Randomize
