I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
