the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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