i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
So there's 10 guys in this picture..I've made out with 5 of them. does this make me a slut?
eh 50% isn't bad..i'd say 80% is slut material.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
