fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
