Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
So much rum. So many feels.
Well I just put wine in my tea
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
