thus making me awesome and them whores
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
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