Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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