i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
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