So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
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