Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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