The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
