he puts the penis in happiness.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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